Having said all that, so far, it's been great! A little more responsibility in the church, a different kind of leadership that just comes with the title. Just comes with being married to the one called Pastor. Now he's the Associate Pastor, so the whole church doesn't rest on his shoulders and so far, he's liked it and he's done really well. Of course, we are still just in the beginning.
The initial newness of it all has worn off though. The people know you are here to stay and I'm wondering if I need to start trying harder now. At the beginning you just go with it and accept everything that happens b/c you are so new and everyone is nice and friendly and inquisitive, wondering how you are doing and how you like it here and if you're getting settled.
Don't get me wrong, I like the attention, but I have to admit that now that the dust has settled, I'm kinda lonely. I'm kinda lacking purpose, just a bit. I'm kinda stressed about my own job and life starting here. I desire to have friends my own age (as much as I appreciate the youth coming over), women who are married and have no children like me, but is there anyone who fits that category? Does a pastor's wife have real and proper relationships in the church, like the other women have? Relationships that are both give and take? Relationships that make you have fun but also keep you grounded? Ones that keep you free from the stereotypes and boxes and pedestals? Ones that make you feel accepted, only for who you are as a person and not who you're married to?
But I suppose that if a pastor does have true and meaningful relationships that cover all these aspects, so then, does the pastor's wife. Maybe it's just time for me to not think about myself so much. I don't much like starting over though. They say it takes 2 years after you move before you feel like you 'belong'. I know I have to give it time, but I don't like feeling like an outsider. Everyone already knows everyone and they have their favorite people and even leave a conversation with me to talk to them. I'm not saying it's unfair. I'm sure I've done it. And everyone seems so busy, so when do you get together? Maybe I need to work full time and then I won't have time to be at home in the middle of the day, wondering who might be free, but not calling anyone... Some people spend their whole lives separated (either by their own doing, or by society as a whole). What does a 'normal' relationship look like anyways?
And I suppose each person needs to decide for themselves where their "place in the world" is. But our Lord says our place is in Heaven and that we are strangers and aliens in the world and that those who belong to the world belong to the Devil. But can this apply in the church body? Does it apply?
I have no children, but I'm glad I have Drake. I wonder too if people just have children b/c all of their friends have children and then your life just seems so much more important and meaningful b/c you are busy doing this and that and caring for them... Who really would want to miss the boat on that? On purpose? You get tired of just living so you add to your life so there's something new. That's what parents spend their time talking about. That's what grandparents spend their time talking about. Otherwise, what would you do with yourself for for 40 or 60 years?
Ok I think I am sounding cynical, but I'm not bitter or anything. God blesses people in different ways. He makes people grow in different ways and sometimes leads them places they don't want to go. But it's His will, not ours. I wanted to come here, we both did and now we are. Thank you Lord! He has blessed us in our own way. I need to look and see all he goodness in my life.
4 comments:
WEll, Carmen it seems that we have quight similar predicaments. This year I have lost Quight a few relationships within the church and outside the church. I am having a hard time identifying myself for the first time in my life. I have no solution to my problem because i know that it is my own sin that has seperated me from these people. clearly that is not the case with you. I realy dont have any advice with you but i know where you are and thats all that i can realy say. i think i just need a clean slate somewhere else.
Praying for you Girl! Call me anytime you need a chat - I am always here :)
I think everyone struggles with this. I have three kids now, but when I first came to Drayton 4 years ago, I had my first son a week later. So, I struggled with a new beginning for just me, I didn't know who I was because now I was a mom and I was in a new place and I had never discovered who I was before that when we were just the two of us. It was very confusing. Honestly I think everyone feels this way when they are in a new situation. The best thing to do even though it sucks is to give it time. It's taken me 3 years to finally feel settled in here. Just be yourself, and things will happen for you. That's what I found. I was afraid to be me, because I didn't want to scare people away. I find now that I revel in being myself, and people enjoy me more and want to get to know me. It's a tough town to break into. But once you do, you won't want to leave again.
Thanks for the comments. Starting over has it's good and bad things and I think I feel lonely easily. I hate to loose friendships I've had, but enjoy gaining new ones. We have all been there at one point of another and though you learn what to expect, it doesn't get easier, I don't think. Sometimes, it's never the same and that period of your life is over. Sometimes you have an over-abundance of close people and supporters who understand you and who you love and sometimes, only just the bare minimum. But we do have to remember that God is there. Always and through everything, we need to look to him for our source and our life and encouragement and all those things. It takes striving, but we should never loose hope and never give up!
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