Having said all that, so far, it's been great! A little more responsibility in the church, a different kind of leadership that just comes with the title. Just comes with being married to the one called Pastor. Now he's the Associate Pastor, so the whole church doesn't rest on his shoulders and so far, he's liked it and he's done really well. Of course, we are still just in the beginning.
The initial newness of it all has worn off though. The people know you are here to stay and I'm wondering if I need to start trying harder now. At the beginning you just go with it and accept everything that happens b/c you are so new and everyone is nice and friendly and inquisitive, wondering how you are doing and how you like it here and if you're getting settled.
Don't get me wrong, I like the attention, but I have to admit that now that the dust has settled, I'm kinda lonely. I'm kinda lacking purpose, just a bit. I'm kinda stressed about my own job and life starting here. I desire to have friends my own age (as much as I appreciate the youth coming over), women who are married and have no children like me, but is there anyone who fits that category? Does a pastor's wife have real and proper relationships in the church, like the other women have? Relationships that are both give and take? Relationships that make you have fun but also keep you grounded? Ones that keep you free from the stereotypes and boxes and pedestals? Ones that make you feel accepted, only for who you are as a person and not who you're married to?
But I suppose that if a pastor does have true and meaningful relationships that cover all these aspects, so then, does the pastor's wife. Maybe it's just time for me to not think about myself so much. I don't much like starting over though. They say it takes 2 years after you move before you feel like you 'belong'. I know I have to give it time, but I don't like feeling like an outsider. Everyone already knows everyone and they have their favorite people and even leave a conversation with me to talk to them. I'm not saying it's unfair. I'm sure I've done it. And everyone seems so busy, so when do you get together? Maybe I need to work full time and then I won't have time to be at home in the middle of the day, wondering who might be free, but not calling anyone... Some people spend their whole lives separated (either by their own doing, or by society as a whole). What does a 'normal' relationship look like anyways?
And I suppose each person needs to decide for themselves where their "place in the world" is. But our Lord says our place is in Heaven and that we are strangers and aliens in the world and that those who belong to the world belong to the Devil. But can this apply in the church body? Does it apply?
I have no children, but I'm glad I have Drake. I wonder too if people just have children b/c all of their friends have children and then your life just seems so much more important and meaningful b/c you are busy doing this and that and caring for them... Who really would want to miss the boat on that? On purpose? You get tired of just living so you add to your life so there's something new. That's what parents spend their time talking about. That's what grandparents spend their time talking about. Otherwise, what would you do with yourself for for 40 or 60 years?
Ok I think I am sounding cynical, but I'm not bitter or anything. God blesses people in different ways. He makes people grow in different ways and sometimes leads them places they don't want to go. But it's His will, not ours. I wanted to come here, we both did and now we are. Thank you Lord! He has blessed us in our own way. I need to look and see all he goodness in my life.
