Today I got a glimpse of God, I think I'd have to say for the first time since we moved here. Pretty sad, I know. He told me three things. One: I am not surrendering to him, in fact, I am not even aware of my sins. Two: If I am not chasing after God, then I am cashing after everything else, and all that in vain (I am quite aware of this emptiness though). Three: This year is going to be a very hard one.
Since I'm not aware of my sins, I never even have conviction about them, but am quite aware of my emptiness, something has to change. But, I'm afraid I don't even know how to surrender to him anymore... But I don't want to be chasing after the wind either. I want God. Kinda. That has to change as well. This year, I hope I can come to the place where I begin really honestly seeking him again, and feeling his incredibly deep love. Something that so astounds and overwhelms with great joy, that you have no words to describe, but your heart is just very grateful. If I come to THAT place, then surrendering will not be hard. I will be able to give over my life and plans and dreams to him, because I will be in loving connection with him and trust His purpose and will for me. It will be better than my own, but right now, I don't see it. I don't know what it is, and I most likely don't trust (though I know I should). If I can learn to surrender and submit to Him again, then this year may not be as hard as it has to be... It is going to be hard because I am being quite stubborn right now and I don't know why.
I have two sources of frustration that I know God knows about, but will not change (at least not any time soon). The first is my lack of hearing, which has seemed like an immense curse since we came here, because I cannot hear simple sermons or testimonies given in class or in chapels and I can't even hear half the stuff that is said in class when I get to go with Drake. Don't even mention prayer times. Because public ones are so painfully frustrating to me, even my private prayer times lack. To me, public prayer times are only a waste of time and a great source of frustration and exertion of much focus and energy to no end. Even when I focus intently, I still can't follow other's prayers. I can't hear them when I put my hand to my ear, when I sit right beside them, when I turn and cock my head, when I stare at their lips, just to decipher any word I can. What's the point?
The second source of my frustration is a private one of waiting. How long, O Lord? To have a hope, a goal, something that will change who you are. Something you can't keep hoping if God won't allow it, but can you put aside such a desire and forget it altogether? Can you cease trying to accomplish it and still be at peace? You can focus your attention on something else, but only for a time. Then the painful reality sinks back in reminding you that God has withheld his blessing from you, and that you have absolutely no control over the matter. There are many things I want, but time stands still while I wait. Wait...
"Wait on the Lord", says the worship song this morning. "What do I have, if I don't have you Jesus", says another song. "Praise Adonai", rings another one. Will this empty darkness lift when I face my stubbornness and realize my sin and surrender to Him all these things? Will I feel his great love wash over me then or will I know, rather, the suffering of his punishment? Far have I gone astray. How do I get back? How long? Will I be able to sing these words and again mean them in my heart?
