YC 2007!!!!

Well, it was awesome to say the least and it was exactly what I needed (in fact, a number of people we went with have said that same thing). God works. God cares. God is bigger than we think- bigger than we give him credit for. I know I will never remember all of the words said this past weekend- but one thing resounds and it said something like don't let the facts of life rule over the truth in your life. Ei: you could be having a really hard time, so the fact is that life sucks right now. But the truth is, God is with you and loves you through it. Fact is you may be hurting, but the truth is that God not only feels your pain, but heals it too. Or, you may think you have life under control but the truth is that God is the one in control of all things. I don't know if this makes sense to you, my readers, but it made sense to me. I need to remind myself of the truth and live by that, not by the facts surrounding me in my situation. And I need to remember that God loves us close. He loves us deeply.

There was a story told about a baby and how everyone loves babies b/c they are so cute, until they get stinky and then people are revolted and hand them back to their mothers, but the mothers don't hold them at a distance and try to love them from there, they hold their babies close and cuddle them and love them and change them when they need it. And the best part of the story is the revelation behind it because God does the same thing with us. People try to grade sin and like to be with people who are pleasant and "clean", etc. but they create some distance for themselves when they see the true sin behind people and maybe their bad habits, but God loves the same. It doesn't matter what your past sins are or how dirty you think you are, God will Not hold you at a distance. He holds you close, because he longs to love you deeply, like the mother with her child.

Oh, and during the course of the weekend, I am very happy to share that I had the privilege of sponsoring a Compassion Child. It is a great story because I had wanted to since Jan, but had to look at finances, etc and never got to and had forgotten about it until I was reminded this weekend out of the blue! And I wanted it to be a girl, but they did it during the huge conference, so instead of each person getting up and going to get one, they just handed them out to those who were interested and I had my hand up and as I waited for the one to be passed to me, I prayed to God that it would be a girl (since Drake already has a boy) and then I prayed that whatever child I got I would sponsor, no matter if it was a boy or girl, and when I got mine, it was a girl! Thank you Lord! Her name is Yerlin and she is from Colombia and she is 8. I am very excited to have this opportunity to enhance her life and can't wait to send her letters and receive hers as well.

What else? The girls are all crazy and barely slept and we almost lost our voices from screaming during all the concerts. We went to West Ed, and just had lots of fun in general! On the way home it was "Down By the Bay" for about 2 hours! Everyone just felt the need to sing! Thank you God for all that you did this weekend, whether we can see it now or not. You work in our hearts and I am thankful for that. May we remember your greatness as we live out our daily lives.

the Valley

There's a really great song that I've liked for a long time, but now it talks to me in a new way. It goes like this:

The Pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never be alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley, if You want me to

I'm in that valley right now, but not so much with a willing heart. Life sucks. I still want God but I'm afraid of him and I am resentful and incredibly lazy and apathetic and have, I guess, crawled into my shell to block all other things out so that I can wallow in self pity. Or something. I feel such an incredible void and I don't like my life right now and I don't like who I am and I am tired and feel so alone. So empty. Even neglected. And all because I've neglected God, of course. Why, how can one not pay for their own sin? I've forgotten how to pray- for myself and for others. And I wonder, does anyone pray for me? I know, that's a rather selfish thought, but I've thought it.

And then there's other songs like "I surrender All"

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You, my King
I'm giving You my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, and the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

and "I will give you rest"

To all who are weary and those who are heavy laiden
Lay at the feet of the one who knows you best
Bring all of your trials and all of your tribulations
Come unto me and I will give you rest I will give you rest,

I will give you rest
I wil give you rest

I take my yoke upon you, come and learn from me
For I am humble in Spirit, and so you must also be
You know I will be with you in the midst of every test
If you call unto me, I will give you rest

I will give you rest,
I will give you rest,
I will give you rest

And I want His rest and peace and I want to surrender, if that means I can have these good things, but I don't want it to be hard and I don't want to feel rejected. 'What ifs' run through my mind- what if God doesn't anwser? Am I holding onto a false hope and do I fear that my life will not change? Will He deny me the things I really want in life- that it seems I've been waiting for forever to have and do and be because I want them more? More than everything else. And what if when I do recieve these things I have really hoped for and looked forward to, that they turn out to be much different in reality? What if I realize I don't want them, because they were better in my imagination? Is that possible? It just feels like I'm stuck in this transition with no purpose, waiting for my life to really begin, waiting to actually serve (like I haven't been!), to finish growing up, to have my own house to live in, to have my own children and be the mother I want to be, to actually do something than simply jump from job to job just to pay bills. Meaningless! I say to myself, and yet the part of me that still holds a hope does hope that at each place I'll be a light of some sort for the Spirit of God to shine and that He and His truth will be revealed.

I am guided too much by emotions. Too many distrations. Too many obligations. Not enough feeding into my own soul- where does my strength come from, and where do I go to be refilled rejuvinated? The Psalms, I know have the answer to that. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life". Psalm 28 says, "To you I call, O Lord my rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Palce... The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people..."

It Is Finished!

Well, August 18 and the following days were spent in travel back to Canada, so there are no more journal entries for me to share with you. It is finished! Hope you enjoyed taking the trip with me! I guess now onto current life.... ;)

Peru, August 17- Part II

"On our way back down to the bus, there were many Peruvians on the side of the road like a market selling stuff. I hurried to the bus and sat on my cold, bare legs & Greg had bought a scarf for him mom that I borrowed & wrapped around my legs. That kept me from shivering drastically on the way home, but as soon as we got back to the Monastery, I changed! I put on 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of socks, my runners, a shirt & sweatshirt & my coat if I can remember accurately. I wasn't going to be cold any longer!

"We had supper late that night b/c Owen, Liz & Ann had gone to Machu Picchu since they were sick the day before and were to return at 8pm? (I think) So, a couple of us went last minute shopping before supper- I was with Kirk- and I tried desperately to find another painting like the one I had purchased days before, but no one had what I wanted. Oh well...

"...we returned to meet the group for supper & went to this amazing Spanish restaurant for our very last meal at Cuzco. It was wonderful! Apart from being at 3 or 4 different tables throughout the restaurant, we really enjoyed it. I was upstairs in a balcony area with Hose Carlos, Sari, Tyler, Tanya, & Liliana (I think) and we enjoyed looking over the banner at the band & dancers below. That's right! There was a live Peruvian band (5 guys) and 2 male and 2 female dancers in wonderfully decorative & colorful costumes and we watched them almost all night. The band did very well and there was one guy playing one of those pipe flute things and he was really good at it. I was really impressed, because you still need to breathe at some point too and he could change notes very quickly and play for a considerable length of time before a break. Sometimes, he even added a second one in front of it and blew down both of them!

"The dancers were very cool to watch and after one song, the 2 ladies went off and the 2 men picked 2 women from the audience & they danced for a song! I was quite surprised to see this b/c if we were in North America, most people would be very resistant to just getting up & dancing in front of everyone else, but not there! They seemed to really enjoy themselves , but the song seemed quite long at the same time.

I had cream of chicken soup & that was it, but it was really good. The two best kinds of pop are Fanta and Inca Cola, of course.

"After supper, we all went back and had a devotional and then went to bed! The devotional was in our room (me, Liliana, Tanya & Sari) and I seriously got nothing out of it b/c I was so tired. I was trying hard to fight it, but my eyes were so heavy and I kept drifting off. Finally we were done and could go to bed, but I had told Sari I would braid her hair, so she went for a shower & I said I was just going to lay down until she was ready, but when I awoke, she was in bed & all the girls were with the lights off, so I changed my clothes & went to sleep too. Thank- you Lord for sleep!"

Peru, August 17- Part 1

"Nothing was planned today until a Cusco & surrounding area tour at about 2pm so I was very excited about sleeping in. I think it may have been about 10:30 when we went to sleep and I was awake this morning at 7:30! Ah! I guess that's sleeping in when you've been getting up at 4! Ha ha! I just missed a bunch of people going out for breakfast when I came out of my room at 8am. Tyler & Andrew were already up too and we waited until about about 9 for Tanya, Sari & Liliana to be ready. Then we all went shopping!

"We chose not to go back to the Plaza De Arams, so we went the opposite way to another market we had heard of. We finally found it & had a great time shopping, but I couldn't for the life of me find a place to exchange my money. I still had $62 and wanted it in soles, but it just wasn't happening. The other night I had tried to change it over too but Kirk decided we needed to leave before I could b/c he didn't feel right about the men in there. Fair enough. So we played musical money & I owed Sari & I owed Liliana & she owed me and Tyler owed Andrew, etc! We all bought some things & then stopped for lunch & went back to meet with everyone else for our tour. I had a cheeseburger for lunch & it was real good- lots of cheese! Tanya ordered a hot dog & it came sliced up long- ways on a croissant. The rest had pizza & again, we had leftovers & gave it away (to the same girl from the day before!) It had gotten warm out so after lunch before we left, I changed into my new skirt & sandalls with a shirt & sweater and thought it was great. I later learned what a mistake that was!

"Our tour began just around the corner from the Monastery at the Catholic Cathedral. It was pretty impressive in there with all the gold & silver crafted so intricately & wood as well. There were also huge oil paintings that sometimes spanned an entire wall! Some of them were probably 60 feet high! (if not more) Our tour guide spoke a lot and I should have been interested (like Chris Nichol was) in the history of the Spanish coming and forcing their religion on the native Peruvians. The Catholicism & of course worship of Mary (who the Incas learned to worship as the Mother Earth) was somewhat disturbing & rightly so. They had statue upon statue of the crucified Christ, some covered in blood, some with a large cultured skirt on down to his knees; even one where Jesus' skin was black in color. Wow! Very diverse, and pretty neat to look at.

"After the cathedral we went outside of Cusco to about 3 different sites where more stone brick formations were found. They were pretty cool, but the same as Machu Picchu. After a while, I started to get cold and then colder & colder & became quite uncomfortable. At the last stop, I said I was going to stay in the bus, but slowly everyone else got out and I thought if I was the only one left, I bus driver may ask me to get off too and I couldn't argue with him in Spanish, so I willingly went & walked quite fast up to our destination. The other ones had been cool, though, even using some large, unsculpted rocks and one was in the middle of an outdoor meeting place, squared around with a low block wall-fence and the large half circle wall facing it had large seats built into the stone wall for a douzen or more people to sit, evenly spaced, facing this large, uncut stone. At other places, there seemed to be images in the walls when you combined the shapes of many blocks. At one point, our guide pointed out a "snake " starting at the tail & following it around to the head. Then, he showed us a llama, throwing pebbles at the higher blocks (ears, head) and then pointing out the body & legs & lastly the tail. It was pretty impressive!

"The last stop, though, was the coolest, so I was glad that I had went to see and not stayed on the bus, despite the fact that I was freezing. It was like a fertility temple but you couldn't go into it, you just looked at it from the one side and you could drink the water (as the legend went) and have the chance of having twins! It was pretty cool, and to this day, they don't understand how the Incas got the water to flow out of the front in two small waterfalls and into a pool at the bottom. They know there was a spring or water source about 2km away, but have found no irrigation system to bring the water this far. Even if the Incas got the water to travel underground, they are still baffled as to how. And our guide added that the rate of waterflow at this Temple never changes- it remains constant from the dry season to the rainy season- it always comes out at the same speed, same pressure. Bizzare, huh? These amazing people sure accomplished a lot in only 500 years!

Peru, August 16- Part III

We got back to Cuzco at about 6:30pm and Owen had a great idea for everyone to buy some food (like 3 or 4 meals) to give away to the street people as an act of kindness and a good experience too. Everyone thought that was a great idea & me, Owen, Kirk, & Liz, & Anton went in a group.

Owen arranged 3 hot meals from one place & we handed them out- the first one to a young lady who had been crying and she looked very hungry (making a motion to her mouth with her hand). She wanted and was asking for something to eat just as Kirk lowered his warm plate to give to her. She was thankful & we said "Jesus te ama" & continued on. (I handed mine out but I don't remember to whom) And we also bought 3 meat sticks (that's what I call them). They are cow heart shishkabobs with a potato on the top & are cooked by other street vendors on BBQ-like things with an open flame & grill. These we wanted to give to children & succeeded. One Anton gave to a young child on a mother's back (who also got a plate of food) and another he gave to a boy who was curled up sleeping in a large "shelf" in the stone wall down one street. The boy was thankful to have the food. And each time, we told them "God bless you" or "Jesus loves you".

After all our food was gone, Owen had to meet Ann, so the rest of us decided to go eat b/c we were hungry too! We picked a fairly nice restaurant & sat upstairs. The waitress seemed extremely busy & was hurrying & her forehead was glistening with sweat but she was polite & patient when we were trying to communicate what we wanted using both English and Spanish. We finally got our food (I had ravioli with meat sauce- it seemed to have something like cheese and spinach inside) and it was good. I had only eaten about half of it though and was stuffed! I was learning that in Cusco, you really don't need to eat that much. It's weird. You don't feel hungry barely at all and if you do, it doesn't take much to feel full again. It must be because of the altitude. You can make yourself sick if you eat too much- that's what Jim warned us about.

We paid & Kirk & Liz went back to the monastery where we were staying & Anton and I decided to keep going. He wanted to buy more food to gave away, so we did! First, I gave away the rest of my pasta dish & then we went to a grocery store & bought 3 yogurts & a whole bunch of cookie/cracker things. Anton went all out & had about 8-10 packs with like 6 packs in each of 6 crackers, but he thought that was pretty good- only paying 30-40 soles for it all (which is only $10-13) and we went around looking for people to give it to. I thought it was going pretty well until, after seeing us hand out food to someone on the street, 2 girls came up to me begging me for food too. I instinctively said no to them (about 12-14 yrs?) and told them they were fine b/c I wanted to give it to the really needy people & these girls had clean clothes on & were walking around able to work, but they said, "No, not fine" and followed me explaining in broken English that they had made no sales that day b/c the police took away their finger puppets they were selling. I thought it was a bit ironic b/c they shouldn't be doing it against the police, but then thought that could be their only way of making some kind of money, but my thoughts were cut off by their insistent pleading and I told them, "Ok, just one (uno)" and pulled one pack of flavoured cookie/crackers from my bag. I handed it to the older girl and said they had to share but the other girl said "No, not share." But I said yes and walked away (catching up to Anton again).

(this is not the actual girl, this is another "finger puppet" girl)

Afterward, I felt bad about that situation b/c we headed back to the monastery & I had one pack left in my bag and found no one else to give it to. I thought about the 2 girls & knew I could have given them each one, but why didn't I? I realized & admitted to myself that the only reason I even gave them one was to get them off my back b/c they were hounding me & I didn't like that. I felt pressured and I shouldn't have acted like that.

Spirit, please work in me. Help me to be more sensitive to your leading . More discerning in hard situations so I can act appropriately & lovingly. I want to be like Rob & Anton and am greatly encouraged by the way they love others. Help me to learn & grow, Lord, that I may do your will always. Amen.

But I have to say that while all this was going on, it was raining pretty good & the streets were flooded trying to drain, so Anton & I returned quite wet and when we got back, not everyone had returned (as they were supposed to by 9:30) and Sari, Hose, Tyler? & some others were there waiting (in a lounge in the hallway) for the person who had the key to their room. Anton & I joined them since neither of us had a key either and we all waited. Tired & wet & cold & bored (b/c you can't make any noise otherwise it resonates very loudly in the hallway and disturbs everyone else).

Finally, the stragglers with keys arrived & we were all happy to change out of our wet clothes & get warm again. We met again that night & had devotions (Hose did it) and I shared Isaiah 55 with the rest of the team since it was in my encouragement book & I really found it appropriate. It said for the hungry & weary to go to God & he would feed them. Come without money & I will give you food & drink, and I thought of the valley people. Toward the end it said that God's work will be done and nothing he sends out to complete will come back empty or fruitless. I was very encouraged by that because that is one of the things our team wanted, so I hope they were encouraged. And (it also said) the desert would be replaced by lush plants & the hills of the mountains will echo God's praise & shout aloud & the trees will clap their hands, and I just saw a vision of new love & new life & revival & I really, literally want to see that happen. That you God, that your thoughts are higher than my thoughts & your plans, my plans. You are so good! Amen.