... And life falls apart

So, today I had a hard day. And it is the cherry, it seems, on top of everything building and today it all tumbled down inside me. I feel like a failure. In my work, in life, in everything. I have such high expectations and so many things- ok let's face it: I want to be involved in everything. I have a hard time saying "no". I don't like being on the outside when it's something I care about. I sometimes, I care too much. But all I really need to care about is God. My service for Him, my devotion to Him, my heart- these should be my main concerns of life.

I care about people. I want to do my best with the children in my care. I want to build relationships with the youth and be available to them and a good example. I want to be a good friend, sister, wife, pastor's wife (and what that role brings). I want to be a good steward of my car, my house, my body and all the things I have. I want to have extra time just for me and time for fun things. I want to give. Too much. And because I spread myself out so thin (which I don't realize I'm doing), then I start to feel the pressure from all sides.

I would like to have time to read for fun and to organize photos. Why do people today need to be so crazy busy that they start a million things and never finish one! No wonder I hate deadlines! Pressure! PRESSURE! Ahhhhh!

Maybe tomorrow, it'll all be back in a proper view, but today, tonight it is all askew.

Good day, bad day

Do you ever notice that when you have a bad day, something small or large always occurs that makes you a little thankful and in the end you can actually say that it was in some ways, a good day.  Today was like that.  

Yesterday Drake left for his Youth Pastor's retreat for 3 days and (completely unrelated) I felt like I was starting to get sick. Well,  after I fell asleep with the absence of my usual cuddle, I woke up at 3am with a sore throat and completely dry mouth, not to mention a really stuffy nose.  I downed some water I had by my bed and went back to sleep. 

 Then again at 6 am I actually got up and ran myself a bath.  It helped and I fell asleep on and off in there until about 7:30 and then went back to bed until 9.  This is when I slept through my alarm and phoned work right as I was supposed to be there to let them know I'd be late, but God granted me the day off and I got to stay home.  :) First blessing.

Then I had a lunch date planned with a lady from church and we still met and had a good conversation.  But in the middle of it, an older man walked up to me and handed me this picture he drew of me while I had been sitting there.  Cool!  A little weird, but cool.

  So here it is and an actual pic of what I looked like today so

 you can compare (since the sketch looks like a guy and not female) LOL.  Also, after Kathryn and I finished our "date", she even took me to her house to get some salt for the sidewalk outside (since it's completely sheer ice!).  What a blessing too!  

I went home and read some OT Bible and then had a nap (I was feeling quite tired by now) and when I got up, I had supper and was able to Skype with my sis Candis in Singapore.  :)  All in all, an ok day.

Daycare War Wounds!

So early December I realized just how DANGEROUS it is to work in a daycare!  Haha  Those little suckers have small but sharp little teeth.  I received this bite while intervening in a situation between a one and a two year old.  Well, at lest the other child didn't get bit and at least it didn't break the skin.  It went away in a matter of days, so no harm done!  :)

(And for your reassurance, when the offending child realized what they did- biting a teacher instead of another child, they looked pretty scared and knew it was wrong right away.  Lesson learned)

Unsure

I suppose it's time to write something- anything but I don't feel like I have all that much to say.  I don't want to write about stupid superficial things that no one cares about just for the sake of blabbering, but how much, how deep, how to organize thoughts that have enough meaning that they are important to hear and think on, but not so personal that I loose myself completely....  

I have been thinking about death.  Prompted in part by the recent events our family, our brothers and sisters, have faced in Edson with the tragic loss of their daughter, Emily.  This is where it began.  The rest of it comes from the planning I have to do in my job for next month which also includes Remembrance Day on Nov 11.  I find my mind is drawn to reading the words of Terry Stauffer's blog and to the words of the well-known poem, Flander's Fields.  

It is not morbid to think on death.  To reflect within yourself what that means to you.  To decide in your heart and mind how to face and deal with death.   It is not weak to learn how to heal and in fact it makes you stronger.  If one never contemplates death at all, then one has no idea how to respond to it.  Most people simply fear it and put it away in the back of their mind.  

But one cannot ignore something that is in the forefront of their mind.  One cannot escape neither, the reality that death will sooner or later take us all!  What are we doing with our time here?  Are we living while we are alive?  Are we appreciating the very fact that we have life?  Are we seeing God's goodness in it all?  I know some who are, through the very toughest times, they have their eyes focused and their ears attentive to what is really beyond our own reality.  Have you thought about that?

Life is initiated and orchestrated by God.  Death is initiated and orchestrated by God.  Does any of it matter?  Yes.  Is any of it in our control?  No, not at all.  He gives and He takes away.  What do we have to hang onto?  Not our own life.  Not our own stuff.  Not even those we love!   But if we have given our lives over to God, then how can we NOT trust Him with our friends' lives, our family's lives, our children's lives?  Life, though it is such an awesome miracle is so delicate and flimsy, so short, just a mist, a vapour...

So what do we live for while we are here?  What do we do during our time before we die?  Well, if you are not certain of where you are going after death, find that out first and foremost and secure it!  There is no good reason leaving this off until the end, b/c it is too important- it involves eternity!  Beyond this, each of us needs to find our purpose (or destiny, in a way) and live up to it.  We need to use what we have and make a meaningful impact on others around us.  We need to strive for what is right and defend those who need protection.  We need to feed those who are hungry.  We need to help and befriend those who are outcasts and lonely.  We need to build His kingdom!  Because that's what He asks of us.  Will you expect anything less from yourself?  I hope not.  Don't be weary of life- celebrate it and use it.  After all, is it not the greatest gift?

The Start of a Pastor's Wife

Well, This is actually not my official first post since I've been a pastor's wife, but it is close enough.  It has been interesting so far, even beginning back to the candidating weekend...  It's not just a job- it's a way of living and thinking.  It's being a shepherd.  It's having people in your home often, sometimes without warning.  It's having your husband go away to do this or that for a day or a weekend.  It's having lots of coffee and tea and getting to know people.  It's caring even when you don't know what to do or say.   It's listening when your brain hurts.  It's giving of yourself.  It's remembering meetings and dates and NAMES!  

Having said all that, so far, it's been great!  A little more responsibility in the church, a different kind of leadership that just comes with the title.  Just comes with being married to the one called Pastor.  Now he's the Associate Pastor, so the whole church doesn't rest on his shoulders and so far, he's liked it and he's done really well.  Of course, we are still just in the beginning.

The initial newness of it all has worn off though.  The people know you are here to stay and I'm wondering if I need to start trying harder now.  At the beginning you just go with it and accept everything that happens b/c you are so new and everyone is nice and friendly and inquisitive, wondering how you are doing and how you like it here and if you're getting settled.  

Don't get me wrong, I like the attention, but I have to admit that now that the dust has settled, I'm kinda lonely.  I'm kinda lacking purpose, just a bit.  I'm kinda stressed about my own job and life starting here.  I desire to have friends my own age (as much as I appreciate the youth coming over), women who are married and have no children like me, but is there anyone who fits that category?  Does a pastor's wife have real and proper relationships in the church, like the other women have?  Relationships that are both give and take?  Relationships that make you have fun but also keep you grounded?  Ones that keep you free from the stereotypes and boxes and pedestals?  Ones that make you feel accepted, only for who you are as a person and not who you're married to?  

But I suppose that if a pastor does have true and meaningful relationships that cover all these aspects, so then, does the pastor's wife.  Maybe it's just time for me to not think about myself so much.  I don't much like starting over though.  They say it takes 2 years after you move before you feel like you 'belong'.  I know I have to give it time, but I don't like feeling like an outsider.  Everyone already knows everyone and they have their favorite people and even leave a conversation with me to talk to them.  I'm not saying it's unfair.  I'm sure I've done it.  And everyone seems so busy, so when do you get together?  Maybe I need to work full time and then I won't have time to be at home in the middle of the day, wondering who might be free, but not calling anyone...  Some people  spend their whole lives separated (either by their own doing, or by society as a whole).  What does a 'normal' relationship look like anyways?  

And I suppose each person needs to decide for themselves where their "place in the world" is.  But our Lord says our place is in Heaven and that we are strangers and aliens in the world and that those who belong to the world belong to the Devil.  But can this apply in the church body?  Does it apply?  

I have no children, but I'm glad I have Drake.  I wonder too if people just have children b/c all of their friends have children and then your life just seems so much more important and meaningful b/c you are busy doing this and that and caring for them... Who really would want to miss the boat on that?  On purpose?  You get tired of just living so you add to your life so there's something new.  That's what parents spend their time talking about.  That's what grandparents spend their time talking about.  Otherwise, what would you do with yourself for for 40 or 60 years?  

Ok I think I am sounding cynical, but I'm not bitter or anything.  God blesses people in different ways.  He makes people grow in different ways and sometimes leads them places they don't want to go.  But it's His will, not ours.  I wanted to come here, we both did and now we are.  Thank you Lord!  He has blessed us in our own way.  I need to look and see all he goodness in my life.

The Prosperity Gospel

This is John Piper's take- and it's passionate for good reason:

Comments? Thoughts?

Favorite verse of the day

Today I was reading 2 Peter 1 (which i've been doing for a couple of days now), but only by small chunks, and I coincidentally  came upon one of my favorite verses!  Haha.  You would like to ask why I didn't know I was approaching it, since it's one of my favorites, but it is one of those that you forget about until you read it again, and then realize how true and wonderful it is.

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, 11and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

12I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. 13I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live ...15And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things.
16We did not follow cleverly invented stories when we told you about the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. 17For he received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."[a] 18We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the sacred mountain.

19And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. 21For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit

 

The verse I am referring to is the latter half of 19, where it says- Pay attention to the word, as to a light shinning in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.  How incredibly important is this one short phrase!  I can't describe what it says to me, but it just gives me so much hope like I'm in on a secret that is so precious and strong and still and beautiful!  The concept really blows my mind and if I could paint, I'd paint what this looks like to me in my heart! 

Have you seen His divine power? (3)  Have you heard His very great and precious promises? (4)  Have you been able to participate in the divine nature and escape evil desires and corruption? (4)  

If you haven't, then the following verses may not mean much, but if you have, you may be in my place...

Am I trying to add all these good qualities to my faith? (5-7)  Am I being ineffective or unproductive? (8) Am I blind and have I forgotten all that God has saved me from? (9) Or am I making sure of my calling and election? (10)  Am I being reminded and am I firmly established in the truth? (12)  

But oh!  To see with our own eyes His majesty! (16)  To hear the voice of the Majestic Glory (who is the Father) on that mountain!  (17)  And lastly: to have the Word! (19)  To read, to listen, to hear and follow and be reminded of God's great glory and honour and our part in it!  If  I, by the Holy Spirit, spoke words from God, I too would want it to be like that light in a dark place, revealing love and truth and goodness.  Expelling evil and terror and loneliness and all dark things.  Why?  So that when the day dawns, the morning star will rise in the hearts of those who believe and are saved and have been looking toward the light and the glory in it, faithfully for all their days.  Who have acted in ways that are right and are led by the son of God himself- Jesus Christ!

I am getting too excited now and cannot therefore articulate myself properly.  Perhaps if one of you readers is touched by this same verse, then you can add your insightful comments better than I.  Either way, I hope this made a little sense and I hope that you all have a blessed day, even if the only edifying you got was reading God's Word- that is enough.

Breaking News on Facebook- with no details

I got a short message on Facebook 2 weeks ago from my beloved twin sister who wrote: "I'm engaged!!!!!!! Call me or email me back!!!"

And then, as both my other sister and I responded with shock and amazement, demanding details and waiting in suspense...... we never got any!

Gotta love that Facebook!  Everything is short and sweet, or short and crappy, or short and vague.... But what about the DETAILS?! 

I reminisce about a time when conversation was lengthy and meaningful and filled with words that made one alive in description and engaged as the two speakers almost became one in thought through the fullness of all the variety language holds.  

Luckily, one can still have this kind of fulfilling interaction on the phone!  And in person.  I have since found out the details in the squealed expression of excitement and joy and in the rapid blubbering of phrases that convey more than just a concept or thought, complete, might I add, with hand gestures and added body language.  

And my response did not include reading words on a screen, in silence with an expressionless face and no visible reaction. 

 It was just as animated as I expressed my joy for her and her new fiance and the future they will have together...  There is nothing quite like it.  This is the foundation of meaningful human relationship, in my opinion.  Sharing, laughing, enjoying.  And I am happy.  :)