sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up

... And life falls apart

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 04:13:00 +0000

So, today I had a hard day. And it is the cherry, it seems, on top of everything building and today it all tumbled down inside me. I feel like a failure. In my work, in life, in everything. I have such high expectations and so many things- ok let's face it: I want to be involved in everything. I have a hard time saying "no". I don't like being on the outside when it's something I care about. I sometimes, I care too much. But all I really need to care about is God. My service for Him, my devotion to Him, my heart- these should be my main concerns of life.

I care about people. I want to do my best with the children in my care. I want to build relationships with the youth and be available to them and a good example. I want to be a good friend, sister, wife, pastor's wife (and what that role brings). I want to be a good steward of my car, my house, my body and all the things I have. I want to have extra time just for me and time for fun things. I want to give. Too much. And because I spread myself out so thin (which I don't realize I'm doing), then I start to feel the pressure from all sides.

I would like to have time to read for fun and to organize photos. Why do people today need to be so crazy busy that they start a million things and never finish one! No wonder I hate deadlines! Pressure! PRESSURE! Ahhhhh!

Maybe tomorrow, it'll all be back in a proper view, but today, tonight it is all askew.

Good day, bad day

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 03:57:00 +0000

Do you ever notice that when you have a bad day, something small or large always occurs that makes you a little thankful and in the end you can actually say that it was in some ways, a good day. Today was like that.

Yesterday Drake left for his Youth Pastor's retreat for 3 days and (completely unrelated) I felt like I was starting to get sick. Well, after I fell asleep with the absence of my usual cuddle, I woke up at 3am with a sore throat and completely dry mouth, not to mention a really stuffy nose. I downed some water I had by my bed and went back to sleep.

Then again at 6 am I actually got up and ran myself a bath. It helped and I fell asleep on and off in there until about 7:30 and then went back to bed until 9. This is when I slept through my alarm and phoned work right as I was supposed to be there to let them know I'd be late, but God granted me the day off and I got to stay home. :) First blessing.

Then I had a lunch date planned with a lady from church and we still met and had a good conversation. But in the middle of it, an older man walked up to me and handed me this picture he drew of me while I had been sitting there. Cool! A little weird, but cool.

So here it is and an actual pic of what I looked like today so

you can compare (since the sketch looks like a guy and not female) LOL. Also, after Kathryn and I finished our "date", she even took me to her house to get some salt for the sidewalk outside (since it's completely sheer ice!). What a blessing too!

I went home and read some OT Bible and then had a nap (I was feeling quite tired by now) and when I got up, I had supper and was able to Skype with my sis Candis in Singapore. :) All in all, an ok day.

Daycare War Wounds!

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 01:46:00 +0000

So early December I realized just how DANGEROUS it is to work in a daycare! Haha Those little suckers have small but sharp little teeth. I received this bite while intervening in a situation between a one and a two year old. Well, at lest the other child didn't get bit and at least it didn't break the skin. It went away in a matter of days, so no harm done! :)

(And for your reassurance, when the offending child realized what they did- biting a teacher instead of another child, they looked pretty scared and knew it was wrong right away. Lesson learned)

Unsure

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 06:34:00 +0000

I suppose it's time to write something- anything but I don't feel like I have all that much to say. I don't want to write about stupid superficial things that no one cares about just for the sake of blabbering, but how much, how deep, how to organize thoughts that have enough meaning that they are important to hear and think on, but not so personal that I loose myself completely....

I have been thinking about death. Prompted in part by the recent events our family, our brothers and sisters, have faced in Edson with the tragic loss of their daughter, Emily. This is where it began. The rest of it comes from the planning I have to do in my job for next month which also includes Remembrance Day on Nov 11. I find my mind is drawn to reading the words of Terry Stauffer's blog and to the words of the well-known poem, Flander's Fields.

It is not morbid to think on death. To reflect within yourself what that means to you. To decide in your heart and mind how to face and deal with death. It is not weak to learn how to heal and in fact it makes you stronger. If one never contemplates death at all, then one has no idea how to respond to it. Most people simply fear it and put it away in the back of their mind.

But one cannot ignore something that is in the forefront of their mind. One cannot escape neither, the reality that death will sooner or later take us all! What are we doing with our time here? Are we living while we are alive? Are we appreciating the very fact that we have life? Are we seeing God's goodness in it all? I know some who are, through the very toughest times, they have their eyes focused and their ears attentive to what is really beyond our own reality. Have you thought about that?

Life is initiated and orchestrated by God. Death is initiated and orchestrated by God. Does any of it matter? Yes. Is any of it in our control? No, not at all. He gives and He takes away. What do we have to hang onto? Not our own life. Not our own stuff. Not even those we love! But if we have given our lives over to God, then how can we NOT trust Him with our friends' lives, our family's lives, our children's lives? Life, though it is such an awesome miracle is so delicate and flimsy, so short, just a mist, a vapour...

So what do we live for while we are here? What do we do during our time before we die? Well, if you are not certain of where you are going after death, find that out first and foremost and secure it! There is no good reason leaving this off until the end, b/c it is too important- it involves eternity! Beyond this, each of us needs to find our purpose (or destiny, in a way) and live up to it. We need to use what we have and make a meaningful impact on others around us. We need to strive for what is right and defend those who need protection. We need to feed those who are hungry. We need to help and befriend those who are outcasts and lonely. We need to build His kingdom! Because that's what He asks of us. Will you expect anything less from yourself? I hope not. Don't be weary of life- celebrate it and use it. After all, is it not the greatest gift?

The Start of a Pastor's Wife

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 02:54:00 +0000

Well, This is actually not my official first post since I've been a pastor's wife, but it is close enough. It has been interesting so far, even beginning back to the candidating weekend... It's not just a job- it's a way of living and thinking. It's being a shepherd. It's having people in your home often, sometimes without warning. It's having your husband go away to do this or that for a day or a weekend. It's having lots of coffee and tea and getting to know people. It's caring even when you don't know what to do or say. It's listening when your brain hurts. It's giving of yourself. It's remembering meetings and dates and NAMES!

Having said all that, so far, it's been great! A little more responsibility in the church, a different kind of leadership that just comes with the title. Just comes with being married to the one called Pastor. Now he's the Associate Pastor, so the whole church doesn't rest on his shoulders and so far, he's liked it and he's done really well. Of course, we are still just in the beginning.

The initial newness of it all has worn off though. The people know you are here to stay and I'm wondering if I need to start trying harder now. At the beginning you just go with it and accept everything that happens b/c you are so new and everyone is nice and friendly and inquisitive, wondering how you are doing and how you like it here and if you're getting settled.

Don't get me wrong, I like the attention, but I have to admit that now that the dust has settled, I'm kinda lonely. I'm kinda lacking purpose, just a bit. I'm kinda stressed about my own job and life starting here. I desire to have friends my own age (as much as I appreciate the youth coming over), women who are married and have no children like me, but is there anyone who fits that category? Does a pastor's wife have real and proper relationships in the church, like the other women have? Relationships that are both give and take? Relationships that make you have fun but also keep you grounded? Ones that keep you free from the stereotypes and boxes and pedestals? Ones that make you feel accepted, only for who you are as a person and not who you're married to?

But I suppose that if a pastor does have true and meaningful relationships that cover all these aspects, so then, does the pastor's wife. Maybe it's just time for me to not think about myself so much. I don't much like starting over though. They say it takes 2 years after you move before you feel like you 'belong'. I know I have to give it time, but I don't like feeling like an outsider. Everyone already knows everyone and they have their favorite people and even leave a conversation with me to talk to them. I'm not saying it's unfair. I'm sure I've done it. And everyone seems so busy, so when do you get together? Maybe I need to work full time and then I won't have time to be at home in the middle of the day, wondering who might be free, but not calling anyone... Some people spend their whole lives separated (either by their own doing, or by society as a whole). What does a 'normal' relationship look like anyways?

And I suppose each person needs to decide for themselves where their "place in the world" is. But our Lord says our place is in Heaven and that we are strangers and aliens in the world and that those who belong to the world belong to the Devil. But can this apply in the church body? Does it apply?

I have no children, but I'm glad I have Drake. I wonder too if people just have children b/c all of their friends have children and then your life just seems so much more important and meaningful b/c you are busy doing this and that and caring for them... Who really would want to miss the boat on that? On purpose? You get tired of just living so you add to your life so there's something new. That's what parents spend their time talking about. That's what grandparents spend their time talking about. Otherwise, what would you do with yourself for for 40 or 60 years?

Ok I think I am sounding cynical, but I'm not bitter or anything. God blesses people in different ways. He makes people grow in different ways and sometimes leads them places they don't want to go. But it's His will, not ours. I wanted to come here, we both did and now we are. Thank you Lord! He has blessed us in our own way. I need to look and see all he goodness in my life.

The Prosperity Gospel

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 19:55:00 +0000

This is John Piper's take- and it's passionate for good reason:

Comments? Thoughts?

Favorite verse of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:49:00 +0000

Today I was reading 2 Peter 1 (which i've been doing for a couple of days now), but only by small chunks, and I coincidentally came upon one of my favorite verses! Haha. You would like to ask why I didn't know I was approaching it, since it's one of my favorites, but it is one of those that you forget about until you read it again, and then realize how true and wonderful it is.

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, 11and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

12I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. 13I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live ...15And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things.
16We did not follow cleverly invented stories when we told you about the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. 17For he received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."[a] 18We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the sacred mountain.

19And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. 21For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit

The verse I am referring to is the latter half of 19, where it says- Pay attention to the word, as to a light shinning in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. How incredibly important is this one short phrase! I can't describe what it says to me, but it just gives me so much hope like I'm in on a secret that is so precious and strong and still and beautiful! The concept really blows my mind and if I could paint, I'd paint what this looks like to me in my heart!

Have you seen His divine power? (3) Have you heard His very great and precious promises? (4) Have you been able to participate in the divine nature and escape evil desires and corruption? (4)

If you haven't, then the following verses may not mean much, but if you have, you may be in my place...

Am I trying to add all these good qualities to my faith? (5-7) Am I being ineffective or unproductive? (8) Am I blind and have I forgotten all that God has saved me from? (9) Or am I making sure of my calling and election? (10) Am I being reminded and am I firmly established in the truth? (12)

But oh! To see with our own eyes His majesty! (16) To hear the voice of the Majestic Glory (who is the Father) on that mountain! (17) And lastly: to have the Word! (19) To read, to listen, to hear and follow and be reminded of God's great glory and honour and our part in it! If I, by the Holy Spirit, spoke words from God, I too would want it to be like that light in a dark place, revealing love and truth and goodness. Expelling evil and terror and loneliness and all dark things. Why? So that when the day dawns, the morning star will rise in the hearts of those who believe and are saved and have been looking toward the light and the glory in it, faithfully for all their days. Who have acted in ways that are right and are led by the son of God himself- Jesus Christ!

I am getting too excited now and cannot therefore articulate myself properly. Perhaps if one of you readers is touched by this same verse, then you can add your insightful comments better than I. Either way, I hope this made a little sense and I hope that you all have a blessed day, even if the only edifying you got was reading God's Word- that is enough.

Breaking News on Facebook- with no details

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:09:00 +0000

I got a short message on Facebook 2 weeks ago from my beloved twin sister who wrote: "I'm engaged!!!!!!! Call me or email me back!!!"

And then, as both my other sister and I responded with shock and amazement, demanding details and waiting in suspense...... we never got any!

Gotta love that Facebook! Everything is short and sweet, or short and crappy, or short and vague.... But what about the DETAILS?!

I reminisce about a time when conversation was lengthy and meaningful and filled with words that made one alive in description and engaged as the two speakers almost became one in thought through the fullness of all the variety language holds.

Luckily, one can still have this kind of fulfilling interaction on the phone! And in person. I have since found out the details in the squealed expression of excitement and joy and in the rapid blubbering of phrases that convey more than just a concept or thought, complete, might I add, with hand gestures and added body language.

And my response did not include reading words on a screen, in silence with an expressionless face and no visible reaction.

It was just as animated as I expressed my joy for her and her new fiance and the future they will have together... There is nothing quite like it. This is the foundation of meaningful human relationship, in my opinion. Sharing, laughing, enjoying. And I am happy. :)

Valentine's

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 22:29:00 +0000

So, I married a saint and revel in the continual and surprising love I am blessed with by him. We had our "Valentine's" night out Feb 12, since I worked the rest of the nights that week. It was great. I was secretly hoping that he would have something planned when I got off work, and when I got in the door and he said "Go get ready", I was like, "YES!!!" So, I showered and to speed up the process, he picked out my clothes (which I like when he does, so I don't have to stand there, trying to decide) and got ready. We left the house with toques and mitts and enjoyment in the air, not to mention, hungry stomachs!

We arrived at the Amuze Casual Dinning restaurant, which is on the third floor of an old building on Main St. and it has a pricey but really good and unusual menu. We took a table right beside the little fire place and warmed up while we looked at the menu. Finally, we had decided. He ordered Paella (a spanish dish of chicken, rice, shrimp, vegetables and sausage) and I ordered a half soup (which was Borscht), and a curry chicken sandwich. While we waited, we talked and I thought it was perfectly fun to be there and while scolding myself that I hadn't brought my camera, he admitted that he had! What a thoughtful man! Of course he would know that I wanted pictures of the evening! I was perfectly delighted that he had thought of it and proceeded to capture him (and he, me), and our surroundings, and the food when it came and while we ate. My sandwich came in a create-it-yourself style, so I had wedges of pita, a bed of various lettuce leaves, and a saucer in the middle with the flavored chicken mixture. Drake's came on a steaming hot skillet, all mixed together, so while I put mine together, we ate and we chatted and all of it tasted good. After we were finished, he paid and we followed the three flights of stairs down, back out to the cold again. However, when we reached the car, he informed me we were not driving.

So, he led and we walked only a block or so and arrived at Coffee Encounters for desert! Mmmmmm, I love desert! I had a hot chocolate and he had a brown sugar cinnamon latte, and we shared a piece of marble swirl cheesecake. It was fun. I asked him if we were going to play chess (since we do every time we're there), but since he knows I always loose and wanted me to enjoy myself, we didn't. We just sat and sipped our hot drinks and felt warm and lazy and tired and content. Well, he hadn't planned the rest of the night concretely, so he said I had a choice of four options, and I could pick one. So, after a hesitant moment (because I didn't want to miss out on anything good), I chose option #2. And he said ok. I was wondering what I had chosen, but he remained silent, letting me be surprised with the outcome.

Then he mentioned that we had some time before option 2, so we decided to go shopping a bit. We went to Superstore and I got some candles on clearance (yes I'm cheap, I know), but other than that we bought nothing. After browsing for a while longer, he said it was time to go, so we got back into the car and he drove us to the theater! When we pulled into the parking lot, I was suddenly so excited I had chosen #2 and with a big smile, asked what movie it was we were going to see. He responded with "27 Dresses" and I thought to myself, "what a great man I have, taking me to such a girlie movie!" He is always loving me like that- setting aside himself to make me feel special and loved. I had wanted to see this movie since the last time we had been at the theatre, so we bought our tickets, and though we were early, continued into the theater to take our seats. We were the first ones there and joked about making out (since we actually behaved ourselves when we were dating), but refrained, laughing. The previews began and others joined us to watch. The movie was good and we enjoyed it- enjoyed ourselves- and when it was over, we went home. And that's where this story ends....

"Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:36:00 +0000

Just sharing a devotion by Oswald Chambers that spoke to me...

February 14, 2008
The Discipline of Hearing

Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops —Matthew 10:27
Sometimes God puts us through the experience and discipline of darkness to teach us to hear and obey Him. Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and God puts us into "the shadow of His hand" until we learn to hear Him (Isaiah 49:2 ). "Whatever I tell you in the dark. . ."— pay attention when God puts you into darkness, and keep your mouth closed while you are there. Are you in the dark right now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? If so, then remain quiet. If you open your mouth in the dark, you will speak while in the wrong mood— darkness is the time to listen. Don’t talk to other people about it; don’t read books to find out the reason for the darkness; just listen and obey. If you talk to other people, you cannot hear what God is saying. When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else once you are back in the light.

After every time of darkness, we should experience a mixture of delight and humiliation. If there is only delight, I question whether we have really heard God at all. We should experience delight for having heard God speak, but mostly humiliation for having taken so long to hear Him! Then we will exclaim, "How slow I have been to listen and understand what God has been telling me!" And yet God has been saying it for days and even weeks. But once you hear Him, He gives you the gift of humiliation, which brings a softness of heart— a gift that will always cause you to listen to God now.

There is hope in the Clouds

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 23:04:00 +0000

Well, I have to say that things are looking up ever so slightly- I had a hearing test last week and apparantly my hearing problem looks like it may be fixable! I am so excited and releived. What good news -(thank you Lord). I will be seeing my doctor on Feb 25 to find out more (since the hearing people faxed him the results), so either I may be getting hearing aids, or have surgery to correct it, we'll see. As far as the other frustration I had, there are no signs, positive or negative when it may change, so for now I will look toward the issue that is actually changing, until further developments. I'll keep you posted too... if anyone read this! haha

Just a Glimpse

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:14:00 +0000

Today I got a glimpse of God, I think I'd have to say for the first time since we moved here. Pretty sad, I know. He told me three things. One: I am not surrendering to him, in fact, I am not even aware of my sins. Two: If I am not chasing after God, then I am cashing after everything else, and all that in vain (I am quite aware of this emptiness though). Three: This year is going to be a very hard one.
Since I'm not aware of my sins, I never even have conviction about them, but am quite aware of my emptiness, something has to change. But, I'm afraid I don't even know how to surrender to him anymore... But I don't want to be chasing after the wind either. I want God. Kinda. That has to change as well. This year, I hope I can come to the place where I begin really honestly seeking him again, and feeling his incredibly deep love. Something that so astounds and overwhelms with great joy, that you have no words to describe, but your heart is just very grateful. If I come to THAT place, then surrendering will not be hard. I will be able to give over my life and plans and dreams to him, because I will be in loving connection with him and trust His purpose and will for me. It will be better than my own, but right now, I don't see it. I don't know what it is, and I most likely don't trust (though I know I should). If I can learn to surrender and submit to Him again, then this year may not be as hard as it has to be... It is going to be hard because I am being quite stubborn right now and I don't know why.
I have two sources of frustration that I know God knows about, but will not change (at least not any time soon). The first is my lack of hearing, which has seemed like an immense curse since we came here, because I cannot hear simple sermons or testimonies given in class or in chapels and I can't even hear half the stuff that is said in class when I get to go with Drake. Don't even mention prayer times. Because public ones are so painfully frustrating to me, even my private prayer times lack. To me, public prayer times are only a waste of time and a great source of frustration and exertion of much focus and energy to no end. Even when I focus intently, I still can't follow other's prayers. I can't hear them when I put my hand to my ear, when I sit right beside them, when I turn and cock my head, when I stare at their lips, just to decipher any word I can. What's the point?
The second source of my frustration is a private one of waiting. How long, O Lord? To have a hope, a goal, something that will change who you are. Something you can't keep hoping if God won't allow it, but can you put aside such a desire and forget it altogether? Can you cease trying to accomplish it and still be at peace? You can focus your attention on something else, but only for a time. Then the painful reality sinks back in reminding you that God has withheld his blessing from you, and that you have absolutely no control over the matter. There are many things I want, but time stands still while I wait. Wait...
"Wait on the Lord", says the worship song this morning. "What do I have, if I don't have you Jesus", says another song. "Praise Adonai", rings another one. Will this empty darkness lift when I face my stubbornness and realize my sin and surrender to Him all these things? Will I feel his great love wash over me then or will I know, rather, the suffering of his punishment? Far have I gone astray. How do I get back? How long? Will I be able to sing these words and again mean them in my heart?

Embrace Your Season

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 23:24:00 +0000

Embrace Your Season

This daily devotion really spoke to me. I have to be reminded of this. I hope it speaks to you as well. Blessings.

Today's Scripture
“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
God has ordained seasons in your life. It’s easy to get frustrated when our dreams aren’t coming to pass on our timetable. When that happens, we have to submit our plans to Him and trust that He has a better plan. Understand that in God’s Kingdom, every season is not harvest. There are plowing seasons. There are planting seasons. There are watering seasons. And sure, we would love for every season to be a time of increase, but without the other seasons, we wouldn’t be prepared. It’s during the plowing seasons when God’s bringing issues to light that we need to deal with. He’s getting us prepared for promotion. If you’re not making as much progress as you would like, the key is to not lose any ground. Don’t go backwards. Hold your position by keeping an attitude of faith and expectancy, even when it’s hard. Keep plowing by speaking the Word daily. As you do, you’ll pass the test, and God promises your due season is coming!

MADE BEAUTIFUL

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 21:30:00 +0000

Today is made beautiful to me by the Lord, since he has helped my heart to see what my eyes did not. God is real and is actually in the world, working for his righteousness and glory! Not that he has to prove to me that he is, in fact, real, but that I need to be reminded of this over and over again…
I was reading 2 Peter today and the words came to life for me. I was just going to read a little, but I read the entire letter since I was drawn to it and the teaching stirred something in my heart that had not previously been there.
God is stirring in me a hunger for Himself that I have been so badly lacking and haven’t been reading my Bible for a long time. I am so incredibly hungry! And his truth is so poignant! His word really is a gem and this time, I understood every word (the Holy Spirit’s doing) and it was speaking to me!
To the believer, it says, “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”
But I had forgotten, since verse 9 says, “But if anyone [has not added to their faith the qualities of goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love] he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.” And 10 & 11 add, “Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make you’re calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
I hate to admit I have been quite nearsighted and blind lately. But I have already been transformed, made new, and I have not been living it. I have not been even grateful for Jesus cleansing blood, let alone practicing these qualities through faith. How miserable a discovery! Do I not have everything I need by his power? Do I not believe his wonderful promises? Am I escaping being corrupted by my own evil desires? Am I adding anything to my faith at all? But, God says more…
We are to pay attention, to be certain, “as to a light shinning in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in our hearts” (1:19)! Wow! A light shinning in a dark place… I want to be that light, but I want even more for the morning star to rise in my heart at the new dawn… The morning star is the sun, which gives life to the Earth and without it, our world would not survive. But, to men, the morning star is Christ, who gives life and whom we have total dependence on as well. Or do we?
The letter goes on to say that god did not spare the angels when they sinned, but sent them to hell. He didn’t spare the ancient world when he brought the flood on the ungodly, but spared Noah who preached righteousness, and seven others. He condemned Sodom & Gommorah, but rescued Lot who was a righteous man and was distressed by the filthy lives of the lawless people around him.
Then get this: “if this is so, then the Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials and to hold the unrighteous for the day of judgment, while continuing their punishment.” The Lord knows how to rescue me. Will I trust him? Or will I deny him?
The following verses speak of those who have left the straight way and wandered off to follow the way of wickedness, they who promise freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity – “for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him” (2:19) “If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the scared command that was passed on to them.” (20,21)
These are some strong words that must be considered in reflection with my own state and not taken lightly. They are to be dwelt upon, and answered honestly; otherwise I am only fooling myself, and still not escaping God’s judgment. But the following words come as an encouragement:
“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some would understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to parish, but everyone to come to repentance.” (3:8,9)
And I praise the Lord for his patience and though I have remembered that he is just, he is also merciful and is calling his children to himself. He wants each and every person to live, if they will just turn from their wickedness and belong to God. Thank you Lord for speaking to me today and showing me these truths. You truly are good.

Caronport life starts

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 17:02:00 +0000

Well, we are in Caronport now and have been here for a week and 1/2 and life is different. Slower. Quite very slow. Time to think. Time to exercise. Time to pray. Time to got through stuff that's just been waiting to be gone through. Organize photos. Clean. It's like revamping my whole life!
And honestly, I don't know what to do. There's too much time! I'm gonna have to start working on me, because everything else is being taken care of. The one thing people avoid the most....

Love. In Secret.

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 23:59:00 +0000

Have you ever been loved in secret? I don't mean having a crush on some bad boy that your parents hate and hiding it, I mean have you ever just been you, doing what you do, and find out later the extent someone or people have gone to, to show they care? Well, I have- let me explain. My mom and dad are pretty much the best parents on the planet (don't argue either- it's true) and I recently went home to visit and like always was supper excited to see my family again. The whole time was a blast and they paid for everything (as always- I don't even try to resist anymore ) ;-) They took me out for supper and to see a movie and we went camping and had BBQ's and bon fires and smores, etc, etc. And then the day came that I was to leave, and my dad asks where my car keys are, just to look over my car and top up fluids for the long drive home. Fine, cool. I gave him my keys and he did what he needed to and I was on my way. I get out of the driveway and notice my fuel is right full. "Hum, Drake must have filled it when we got here" (since we didn't use our car at all while we were there), I thought to myself (nope, I was wrong- guess who it was...). Then, I get just out of town and notice there's a tube of Lay's Stacks chips in my passenger seat. Now, I had bought this same kind earlier in the week, so I thought it was the empty one- until I picked it up and low and behold it is a brand new one full and unopened just for me! My dad had helped me to eat the other ones and felt bad and replaced the whole thing.
To me, it doesn't matter that it was $2, it was very thoughtful, and I smiled to myself knowing this was a thoughtful gift. Then, I got curious and opened my purse and pulled out my wallet. Something in the back of my mind made me wonder about my mother. She has become famous for sending us off with a wad of cash to pay for traveling expenses, or whatever we need or just a bonus no-reason-at-all-for-it gift of money! I remember the night before she said she needed to stop at the bank (even though there was nothing open to buy anything) and I got the idea then and told her I wasn't taking the money so don't think about sending it home with me. She acted all innocent like "what are you talking about" but I told her that money's not going back with me. Yeah, well, it may have worked out that way if I hadn't left my purse just sitting around right in the open for her to have full access. At that moment in the car, I found the wad of cash she stashed in my wallet and I shook my head in admiration. Oh mom.
The extent some people go to love you makes you feel even more loved than Christmas!!!! At least on Christmas day, you are expecting all these great new things, but when there's no reason at all for a gift and you get one anyways, it blows me away! Love in secret. That's what God does too. Why do you ever wonder why you can't tell someone how God has loved you? Because often have no evidence of proof to show for it, He just loves you. He cares for you and shows it. He speaks loving words into you and you cherish them forever. He changes you and your life in such small, but significant ways, you can't help but know that He really deeply cares, just like my parents do. They want the best for me. So does God. They want to bless me. So does God. They have loved me from the moment I was born- God loved me before even then! The Bible says that when you do something special for someone, when you give," do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret." That way, you're not elevating yourself to get recognition for it, you're giving just to give from your heart. And the very next verse says "Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you." (Matt 6:3, 4) Love in secret. If you let the secret out, you ruin such an important element. Keep it a secret.
I encourage you to actually try this. Find someone you know who you could do a secret act of love for, and don't tell anyone. Then wait and see how they tell everyone for you and you can smile to yourself knowing it was a success and they will beam with gratefulness or excitement because of what was done for them and they have no idea why or who or how, they just know they are loved! It's as simple as that!
Thanks mom and dad for scheming to show me how much you love me. I couldn't feel more loved! (and that's the truth)

I finally did it

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 03:54:00 +0000

yes that's right, you heard-
I finally parted with my 15 year love and sold my trumpet today.
Kinda sad, but kinda good. Our relationship had more recently been marked with neglect, than anything else, so now it has a good new home and lots of attention! Thank you Wade for taking it off my hands (though I will miss it and all the memories) and for making my pocket just a little fatter in the process. ;-)
I bid you farewell, my trumpet. You have been good to me. Sniff, sniff.

Love One Another

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 03:09:00 +0000

'Love One Another'

". . . add to your . . . brotherly kindness love" —2 Peter 1:5, 7

"Love is an indefinite thing to most of us; we don’t know what we mean when we talk about love. Love is the loftiest preference of one person for another, and spiritually Jesus demands that this sovereign preference be for Himself (see Luke 14:26 ). Initially, when "the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit" ( Romans 5:5 ), it is easy to put Jesus first. But then we must practice the things mentioned in 2 Peter 1 to see them worked out in our lives.
The first thing God does is forcibly remove any insincerity, pride, and vanity from my life. And the Holy Spirit reveals to me that God loved me not because I was lovable, but because it was His nature to do so. Now He commands me to show the same love to others by saying, ". . . love one another as I have loved you" ( John 15:12 ). He is saying, "I will bring a number of people around you whom you cannot respect, but you must exhibit My love to them, just as I have exhibited it to you." This kind of love is not a patronizing love for the unlovable— it is His love, and it will not be evidenced in us overnight. Some of us may have tried to force it, but we were soon tired and frustrated.
"The Lord . . . is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish . . ." ( 2 Peter 3:9 ). I should look within and remember how wonderfully He has dealt with me. The knowledge that God has loved me beyond all limits will compel me to go into the world to love others in the same way. I may get irritated because I have to live with an unusually difficult person. But just think how disagreeable I have been with God! Am I prepared to be identified so closely with the Lord Jesus that His life and His sweetness will be continually poured out through Me? Neither natural love nor God’s divine love will remain and grow in me unless it is nurtured. Love is spontaneous, but it has to be maintained through discipline."
- Oswald Chambers

This was my devotion on May 11, and have only now got to post it. I have been mulling over these concepts because they are so profound and have been waiting, in a sense, to have something profound to say in reply. However, it is no so. All I can say is that it is so true and it pierces my heart, and I know what I should do with it, but probably won't. I guess I'll just have to keep reading it over and again until that one thing further changes in me.

YC 2007!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Wed, 30 May 2007 04:00:00 +0000

Well, it was awesome to say the least and it was exactly what I needed (in fact, a number of people we went with have said that same thing). God works. God cares. God is bigger than we think- bigger than we give him credit for. I know I will never remember all of the words said this past weekend- but one thing resounds and it said something like don't let the facts of life rule over the truth in your life. Ei: you could be having a really hard time, so the fact is that life sucks right now. But the truth is, God is with you and loves you through it. Fact is you may be hurting, but the truth is that God not only feels your pain, but heals it too. Or, you may think you have life under control but the truth is that God is the one in control of all things. I don't know if this makes sense to you, my readers, but it made sense to me. I need to remind myself of the truth and live by that, not by the facts surrounding me in my situation. And I need to remember that God loves us close. He loves us deeply.

There was a story told about a baby and how everyone loves babies b/c they are so cute, until they get stinky and then people are revolted and hand them back to their mothers, but the mothers don't hold them at a distance and try to love them from there, they hold their babies close and cuddle them and love them and change them when they need it. And the best part of the story is the revelation behind it because God does the same thing with us. People try to grade sin and like to be with people who are pleasant and "clean", etc. but they create some distance for themselves when they see the true sin behind people and maybe their bad habits, but God loves the same. It doesn't matter what your past sins are or how dirty you think you are, God will Not hold you at a distance. He holds you close, because he longs to love you deeply, like the mother with her child.

Oh, and during the course of the weekend, I am very happy to share that I had the privilege of sponsoring a Compassion Child. It is a great story because I had wanted to since Jan, but had to look at finances, etc and never got to and had forgotten about it until I was reminded this weekend out of the blue! And I wanted it to be a girl, but they did it during the huge conference, so instead of each person getting up and going to get one, they just handed them out to those who were interested and I had my hand up and as I waited for the one to be passed to me, I prayed to God that it would be a girl (since Drake already has a boy) and then I prayed that whatever child I got I would sponsor, no matter if it was a boy or girl, and when I got mine, it was a girl! Thank you Lord! Her name is Yerlin and she is from Colombia and she is 8. I am very excited to have this opportunity to enhance her life and can't wait to send her letters and receive hers as well.

What else? The girls are all crazy and barely slept and we almost lost our voices from screaming during all the concerts. We went to West Ed, and just had lots of fun in general! On the way home it was "Down By the Bay" for about 2 hours! Everyone just felt the need to sing! Thank you God for all that you did this weekend, whether we can see it now or not. You work in our hearts and I am thankful for that. May we remember your greatness as we live out our daily lives.

the Valley

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Sat, 19 May 2007 22:54:00 +0000

There's a really great song that I've liked for a long time, but now it talks to me in a new way. It goes like this:

The Pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never be alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley, if You want me to

I'm in that valley right now, but not so much with a willing heart. Life sucks. I still want God but I'm afraid of him and I am resentful and incredibly lazy and apathetic and have, I guess, crawled into my shell to block all other things out so that I can wallow in self pity. Or something. I feel such an incredible void and I don't like my life right now and I don't like who I am and I am tired and feel so alone. So empty. Even neglected. And all because I've neglected God, of course. Why, how can one not pay for their own sin? I've forgotten how to pray- for myself and for others. And I wonder, does anyone pray for me? I know, that's a rather selfish thought, but I've thought it.

And then there's other songs like "I surrender All"

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You, my King
I'm giving You my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, and the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

and "I will give you rest"

To all who are weary and those who are heavy laiden
Lay at the feet of the one who knows you best
Bring all of your trials and all of your tribulations
Come unto me and I will give you rest I will give you rest,

I will give you rest
I wil give you rest

I take my yoke upon you, come and learn from me
For I am humble in Spirit, and so you must also be
You know I will be with you in the midst of every test
If you call unto me, I will give you rest

I will give you rest,
I will give you rest,
I will give you rest

And I want His rest and peace and I want to surrender, if that means I can have these good things, but I don't want it to be hard and I don't want to feel rejected. 'What ifs' run through my mind- what if God doesn't anwser? Am I holding onto a false hope and do I fear that my life will not change? Will He deny me the things I really want in life- that it seems I've been waiting for forever to have and do and be because I want them more? More than everything else. And what if when I do recieve these things I have really hoped for and looked forward to, that they turn out to be much different in reality? What if I realize I don't want them, because they were better in my imagination? Is that possible? It just feels like I'm stuck in this transition with no purpose, waiting for my life to really begin, waiting to actually serve (like I haven't been!), to finish growing up, to have my own house to live in, to have my own children and be the mother I want to be, to actually do something than simply jump from job to job just to pay bills. Meaningless! I say to myself, and yet the part of me that still holds a hope does hope that at each place I'll be a light of some sort for the Spirit of God to shine and that He and His truth will be revealed.

I am guided too much by emotions. Too many distrations. Too many obligations. Not enough feeding into my own soul- where does my strength come from, and where do I go to be refilled rejuvinated? The Psalms, I know have the answer to that. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life". Psalm 28 says, "To you I call, O Lord my rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Palce... The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people..."

It Is Finished!

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Fri, 18 May 2007 22:08:00 +0000

Well, August 18 and the following days were spent in travel back to Canada, so there are no more journal entries for me to share with you. It is finished! Hope you enjoyed taking the trip with me! I guess now onto current life.... ;)

Peru, August 17- Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Wed, 16 May 2007 23:54:00 +0000

"On our way back down to the bus, there were many Peruvians on the side of the road like a market selling stuff. I hurried to the bus and sat on my cold, bare legs & Greg had bought a scarf for him mom that I borrowed & wrapped around my legs. That kept me from shivering drastically on the way home, but as soon as we got back to the Monastery, I changed! I put on 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of socks, my runners, a shirt & sweatshirt & my coat if I can remember accurately. I wasn't going to be cold any longer!

"We had supper late that night b/c Owen, Liz & Ann had gone to Machu Picchu since they were sick the day before and were to return at 8pm? (I think) So, a couple of us went last minute shopping before supper- I was with Kirk- and I tried desperately to find another painting like the one I had purchased days before, but no one had what I wanted. Oh well...

"...we returned to meet the group for supper & went to this amazing Spanish restaurant for our very last meal at Cuzco. It was wonderful! Apart from being at 3 or 4 different tables throughout the restaurant, we really enjoyed it. I was upstairs in a balcony area with Hose Carlos, Sari, Tyler, Tanya, & Liliana (I think) and we enjoyed looking over the banner at the band & dancers below. That's right! There was a live Peruvian band (5 guys) and 2 male and 2 female dancers in wonderfully decorative & colorful costumes and we watched them almost all night. The band did very well and there was one guy playing one of those pipe flute things and he was really good at it. I was really impressed, because you still need to breathe at some point too and he could change notes very quickly and play for a considerable length of time before a break. Sometimes, he even added a second one in front of it and blew down both of them!

"The dancers were very cool to watch and after one song, the 2 ladies went off and the 2 men picked 2 women from the audience & they danced for a song! I was quite surprised to see this b/c if we were in North America, most people would be very resistant to just getting up & dancing in front of everyone else, but not there! They seemed to really enjoy themselves , but the song seemed quite long at the same time.

I had cream of chicken soup & that was it, but it was really good. The two best kinds of pop are Fanta and Inca Cola, of course.

"After supper, we all went back and had a devotional and then went to bed! The devotional was in our room (me, Liliana, Tanya & Sari) and I seriously got nothing out of it b/c I was so tired. I was trying hard to fight it, but my eyes were so heavy and I kept drifting off. Finally we were done and could go to bed, but I had told Sari I would braid her hair, so she went for a shower & I said I was just going to lay down until she was ready, but when I awoke, she was in bed & all the girls were with the lights off, so I changed my clothes & went to sleep too. Thank- you Lord for sleep!"

Peru, August 17- Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Sat, 12 May 2007 03:13:00 +0000

"Nothing was planned today until a Cusco & surrounding area tour at about 2pm so I was very excited about sleeping in. I think it may have been about 10:30 when we went to sleep and I was awake this morning at 7:30! Ah! I guess that's sleeping in when you've been getting up at 4! Ha ha! I just missed a bunch of people going out for breakfast when I came out of my room at 8am. Tyler & Andrew were already up too and we waited until about about 9 for Tanya, Sari & Liliana to be ready. Then we all went shopping!

"We chose not to go back to the Plaza De Arams, so we went the opposite way to another market we had heard of. We finally found it & had a great time shopping, but I couldn't for the life of me find a place to exchange my money. I still had $62 and wanted it in soles, but it just wasn't happening. The other night I had tried to change it over too but Kirk decided we needed to leave before I could b/c he didn't feel right about the men in there. Fair enough. So we played musical money & I owed Sari & I owed Liliana & she owed me and Tyler owed Andrew, etc! We all bought some things & then stopped for lunch & went back to meet with everyone else for our tour. I had a cheeseburger for lunch & it was real good- lots of cheese! Tanya ordered a hot dog & it came sliced up long- ways on a croissant. The rest had pizza & again, we had leftovers & gave it away (to the same girl from the day before!) It had gotten warm out so after lunch before we left, I changed into my new skirt & sandalls with a shirt & sweater and thought it was great. I later learned what a mistake that was!

"Our tour began just around the corner from the Monastery at the Catholic Cathedral. It was pretty impressive in there with all the gold & silver crafted so intricately & wood as well. There were also huge oil paintings that sometimes spanned an entire wall! Some of them were probably 60 feet high! (if not more) Our tour guide spoke a lot and I should have been interested (like Chris Nichol was) in the history of the Spanish coming and forcing their religion on the native Peruvians. The Catholicism & of course worship of Mary (who the Incas learned to worship as the Mother Earth) was somewhat disturbing & rightly so. They had statue upon statue of the crucified Christ, some covered in blood, some with a large cultured skirt on down to his knees; even one where Jesus' skin was black in color. Wow! Very diverse, and pretty neat to look at.

"After the cathedral we went outside of Cusco to about 3 different sites where more stone brick formations were found. They were pretty cool, but the same as Machu Picchu. After a while, I started to get cold and then colder & colder & became quite uncomfortable. At the last stop, I said I was going to stay in the bus, but slowly everyone else got out and I thought if I was the only one left, I bus driver may ask me to get off too and I couldn't argue with him in Spanish, so I willingly went & walked quite fast up to our destination. The other ones had been cool, though, even using some large, unsculpted rocks and one was in the middle of an outdoor meeting place, squared around with a low block wall-fence and the large half circle wall facing it had large seats built into the stone wall for a douzen or more people to sit, evenly spaced, facing this large, uncut stone. At other places, there seemed to be images in the walls when you combined the shapes of many blocks. At one point, our guide pointed out a "snake " starting at the tail & following it around to the head. Then, he showed us a llama, throwing pebbles at the higher blocks (ears, head) and then pointing out the body & legs & lastly the tail. It was pretty impressive!

"The last stop, though, was the coolest, so I was glad that I had went to see and not stayed on the bus, despite the fact that I was freezing. It was like a fertility temple but you couldn't go into it, you just looked at it from the one side and you could drink the water (as the legend went) and have the chance of having twins! It was pretty cool, and to this day, they don't understand how the Incas got the water to flow out of the front in two small waterfalls and into a pool at the bottom. They know there was a spring or water source about 2km away, but have found no irrigation system to bring the water this far. Even if the Incas got the water to travel underground, they are still baffled as to how. And our guide added that the rate of waterflow at this Temple never changes- it remains constant from the dry season to the rainy season- it always comes out at the same speed, same pressure. Bizzare, huh? These amazing people sure accomplished a lot in only 500 years!

Peru, August 16- Part III

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Mon, 07 May 2007 16:36:00 +0000

We got back to Cuzco at about 6:30pm and Owen had a great idea for everyone to buy some food (like 3 or 4 meals) to give away to the street people as an act of kindness and a good experience too. Everyone thought that was a great idea & me, Owen, Kirk, & Liz, & Anton went in a group.

Owen arranged 3 hot meals from one place & we handed them out- the first one to a young lady who had been crying and she looked very hungry (making a motion to her mouth with her hand). She wanted and was asking for something to eat just as Kirk lowered his warm plate to give to her. She was thankful & we said "Jesus te ama" & continued on. (I handed mine out but I don't remember to whom) And we also bought 3 meat sticks (that's what I call them). They are cow heart shishkabobs with a potato on the top & are cooked by other street vendors on BBQ-like things with an open flame & grill. These we wanted to give to children & succeeded. One Anton gave to a young child on a mother's back (who also got a plate of food) and another he gave to a boy who was curled up sleeping in a large "shelf" in the stone wall down one street. The boy was thankful to have the food. And each time, we told them "God bless you" or "Jesus loves you".

After all our food was gone, Owen had to meet Ann, so the rest of us decided to go eat b/c we were hungry too! We picked a fairly nice restaurant & sat upstairs. The waitress seemed extremely busy & was hurrying & her forehead was glistening with sweat but she was polite & patient when we were trying to communicate what we wanted using both English and Spanish. We finally got our food (I had ravioli with meat sauce- it seemed to have something like cheese and spinach inside) and it was good. I had only eaten about half of it though and was stuffed! I was learning that in Cusco, you really don't need to eat that much. It's weird. You don't feel hungry barely at all and if you do, it doesn't take much to feel full again. It must be because of the altitude. You can make yourself sick if you eat too much- that's what Jim warned us about.

We paid & Kirk & Liz went back to the monastery where we were staying & Anton and I decided to keep going. He wanted to buy more food to gave away, so we did! First, I gave away the rest of my pasta dish & then we went to a grocery store & bought 3 yogurts & a whole bunch of cookie/cracker things. Anton went all out & had about 8-10 packs with like 6 packs in each of 6 crackers, but he thought that was pretty good- only paying 30-40 soles for it all (which is only $10-13) and we went around looking for people to give it to. I thought it was going pretty well until, after seeing us hand out food to someone on the street, 2 girls came up to me begging me for food too. I instinctively said no to them (about 12-14 yrs?) and told them they were fine b/c I wanted to give it to the really needy people & these girls had clean clothes on & were walking around able to work, but they said, "No, not fine" and followed me explaining in broken English that they had made no sales that day b/c the police took away their finger puppets they were selling. I thought it was a bit ironic b/c they shouldn't be doing it against the police, but then thought that could be their only way of making some kind of money, but my thoughts were cut off by their insistent pleading and I told them, "Ok, just one (uno)" and pulled one pack of flavoured cookie/crackers from my bag. I handed it to the older girl and said they had to share but the other girl said "No, not share." But I said yes and walked away (catching up to Anton again).

(this is not the actual girl, this is another "finger puppet" girl)

Afterward, I felt bad about that situation b/c we headed back to the monastery & I had one pack left in my bag and found no one else to give it to. I thought about the 2 girls & knew I could have given them each one, but why didn't I? I realized & admitted to myself that the only reason I even gave them one was to get them off my back b/c they were hounding me & I didn't like that. I felt pressured and I shouldn't have acted like that.

Spirit, please work in me. Help me to be more sensitive to your leading . More discerning in hard situations so I can act appropriately & lovingly. I want to be like Rob & Anton and am greatly encouraged by the way they love others. Help me to learn & grow, Lord, that I may do your will always. Amen.

But I have to say that while all this was going on, it was raining pretty good & the streets were flooded trying to drain, so Anton & I returned quite wet and when we got back, not everyone had returned (as they were supposed to by 9:30) and Sari, Hose, Tyler? & some others were there waiting (in a lounge in the hallway) for the person who had the key to their room. Anton & I joined them since neither of us had a key either and we all waited. Tired &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp; wet & cold & bored (b/c you can't make any noise otherwise it resonates very loudly in the hallway and disturbs everyone else).

Finally, the stragglers with keys arrived & we were all happy to change out of our wet clothes & get warm again. We met again that night & had devotions (Hose did it) and I shared Isaiah 55 with the rest of the team since it was in my encouragement book & I really found it appropriate. It said for the hungry & weary to go to God & he would feed them. Come without money & I will give you food & drink, and I thought of the valley people. Toward the end it said that God's work will be done and nothing he sends out to complete will come back empty or fruitless. I was very encouraged by that because that is one of the things our team wanted, so I hope they were encouraged. And (it also said) the desert would be replaced by lush plants & the hills of the mountains will echo God's praise & shout aloud & the trees will clap their hands, and I just saw a vision of new love & new life & revival & I really, literally want to see that happen. That you God, that your thoughts are higher than my thoughts & your plans, my plans. You are so good! Amen.

Peru, August 16- Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Carmen) — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 04:10:00 +0000

"We were panting just climbing up the steps leading to the "top", but once we were there, wow, the view! It was absolutely astounding! Lord! You are still more amazing than I imagine! There are no words to describe! ... but the surrounding mountain & hills were just... amazing, some looking close enough, you could simply jump from peak to peak; others simply a blue- green haze in the distance. One, you couldn't see the peak of; for clouds were sitting on it and it honestly seemed to touch the sky. Lord, if I were you, I'd live here! I describe the hillsides as covered with green carpet- they looked like fuzzy broccoli in the distance. How amazing!

"And the ruins. Well, they surrounded not just the top of the mountain, but crept down the steep slopes, magically, yet boldly solid. Walking along the path, you notice every rock that was laid. They had the main path they called the "Inca Trail" which has remained for centuries and is still fully functional. It goes for a very long way, up the next mountain peak over. We didn't travel that one; we followed our guide now down the path toward the city itself. He had a strong accent, but spoke English surprisingly well. And he told of the history of the Incas & their way of life, etc. He seemed to be quite proud of them (and perhaps is partly that people himself & therefore has a strong pride in his heritage). They only reigned for about 500 years until the Spanish conquered them.

The city itself housed about 1000 people (only men and women, no children) said our guide, b/c no bones/skeletons/remains were found of people that young. It was very interesting walking among all the stones, so carefully hand- crafted, chiseled & designed to fit perfectly... into the other ones around it. Some stones had like 18 sides! Some stones were very small, but even those ones must have been heavy enough to move. The large ones would have been excruciating to move!

"The guide took us all to the most important spots- this large room was for certain meetings or ceremonies; this one would have been for games/sports (like a large courtyard); this would have been living quarters for 3 people, etc. They have some stones carved for very specific purposes (like one where each side pointed to each direction- north, east, south, west) and they used the sun to measure many things (b/c they worshipped the sun) and they had some rooms built exactly with windows or small round holes that if the light came directly through & hit this spot on another rock, that meant it was the first day of the new year, or it was the day of ceremonial sacrifice to keep the sun from going any farther away. Very, very interesting. They also had an impressive irrigation system for water and had many troughs that went along the ground between ways (probably to feed livestock) and also under & through some rocks, falling like small waterfalls into pool-like basins in the floor. From there, they would flow somewhere else.

In many of the walls, there were large shapes that indented as to make a shelf to put things on. These were almost certainly for idols to sit and they would commonly have four of these on a long wall, so you could have 10- 20 idols surrounding you in each room. Our guide explained that mostly royalty would have dwelt at Machu Picchu (Old Mountain) and they even had one room where all the royalty would sit in a row and look out facing the people (for there was no wall in front of them, only behind and beside) and there was water running by with a flat "table" that may have been for sacrifices. The "shelves" in the walls here may have been for the royalties' crowns. It was pretty cool. Our guide also explained that these were a very peaceful people who always worked together in harmony to create their own utopia. But then he added that they drank a lot and were always drunk & happy. Some things he said seemed unlikely or to contradict, but he was telling a story of what he knew & probably most of it was correct or applicable in some way. (Oh, and by the way, half way through the tour the sun came out very brightly & I got burnt! The back of my neck has been sore for 3 days- should have put on sunscreen!)

"When he was done the actual instruction part of the tour, he left us alone to wander & explore or sit & relax for a while & then we had to make our way back up, up, up to the station where the buses were. Liliana & I went together & explored a little more (there were even some caves where riches would have been hid/stored or places for the royal mummies to be put) and worked our way back through the center of the city & up all the steps back to the height we first started at. As we climbed, we started to get quite tired, so we stopped on one flight of stairs (about 3/4 to the top) and I said to Liliana "We're almost there" and an older woman (maybe 65) & her daughter (maybe 40) had come around the corner and, hearing me, the older woman replied, "No you're not." Surprised & humoured I started smiling and admitted, "You're right. We're not." b/c we had a long way to walk yet until we really could call it the "the top"! We talked a little & found out it was their 2nd day there & the older woman had her walking stick and declared it was good for you- good for your heart. And I agreed since she should know! We parted & went on our ways, and Liliana & I laughed at that humorous encounter.

"But somewhere along our going up, up, up, we missed the sign for the exit and found ourselves on the Inca Trail and Liliana looked down and pointed "Oh no!" and there were all the buses & the station roofs below us! Oh no was right! We had gone past our destination & only had 4 more minutes to get to our bus- time was up! By the time we backtracked & actually reached the bus station, we arrived just in time to see an arm waving quite frantically out the back window of one as it drove away. A little confused, I half- heartedly waved back thinking they must know me & after a brief look around, Liliana & I realized there were no other members of our team where we were supposed to meet. So, we caught the next bus and sure enough, when we had endured all of the switchbacks back down the mountainside and returned to the train station at the bottom of the next mountain just beside the river, who did we first see when we entered the doorway of the bus, but our friendly (and now quite apologetic) tour guide! It was his arm frantically waving when he caught a glimpse of the last two late team members as they were leaving. We assured him it wasn't a big deal & he took us promptly to the restaurant where half of the others were eating pizza. Liliana &amp;amp; I ordered & ate & we all got back on the train for the ride back to Cuzco.

"But the 8 hours of travel for 4 hours at Machu Picchu, we decided, was worth it. The only ones who didn't get to come were Ann and Liz, who were sick & Owen, who stayed back to care for them (& ended up sick as well). They were fortunate enough to use their tickets the following day (at a minor increased expense) and thoroughly enjoyed it too! That was an experience I hope not to forget. I slept for much of the train ride back & the bus ride for that matter. Tomorrow, we get to sleep in!"